The Functions of Feelings
One of the most important functions of emotions is that they tell us what is happening. If something good happens, we may feel content. If something difficult happens, we may feel scared or angry. So, emotions are a kind of coded messaging system telling us about ourselves and our lives. Therefore, there is never anything wrong with emotions, they simply arise in response to things happening inside and outside ourselves. If we learn to crack the code of the system, we can make better choices about how to address our needs, wishes, or desires.
Getting Rid versus Accepting Feelings
Many people feel discomfort with certain feelings, which makes many people want to not feel those feelings. However, research suggests that when we try to get rid of feelings, we only make the situation worse. In fact, the more we try to not feel feelings, the more intense they might feel and the longer they might stick around. Therefore, we recommend working towards accepting feelings as they are and learning to tolerate them. But that is of course much easier said than done, especially if we feel there is something wrong with our feelings or we shouldn’t feel them.
Feeling versus Action
One reason why we may think there is something wrong with our feelings or we shouldn’t feel them, is because many people confuse the feeling with an action. For example, people might think or hear “
Don’t be angry!” But there is a difference between feeling a feeling internally (e.g., anger) and an action (e.g., acting on the anger by slamming a door). If we don’t make that distinction, we run the risk of trying to get rid of a feeling (see above), while perhaps what we mean is not to act on the feeling. And again, trying to not feel a feeling usually makes things worse.
The Top 4 Strategies to Work with Difficult Feelings
- Naming feelings: When we think about what feelings we are actually feeling (e.g., frustration, sadness, grief, irritability, etc), we are engaging important mechanisms that have shown to decrease the intensity of feelings (such as reflecting about feelings, being aware of them, and decoding their meanings). Use the feeling wheel below to help you name what you feel.
- Cracking the feeling code: Remember, feelings can be understood as a coded messaging system. When we know what we feel (naming), we can try to understand what message our feelings are sending or what they represent, we can make better choices.
- Validation: Once we know what we feel (naming) and why (cracking the code), we can then tell ourselves: “Given the situation I am in, it makes sense that I feel [feeling],” or imagine having someone tell you that it’s ok to feel [feeling]. Research suggests that one of the most effective ways of coping with challenging feelings is to validate them.
- Accepting/tolerating feelings: Finally, ask yourself, “Am I trying to get rid of feelings or think that I shouldn’t feel them?” If so, although the feelings may feel uncomfortable, ask yourself “What is so bad about having them?” or “What can I do to tolerate or accept them better?” That is a certain recipe for better coping with difficult feelings and lessening the intensity of struggling against them.
The Feeling Wheel
Here is a downloadable version of the feeling chart: Feeling Chart
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