Research suggests that there are some ways of interacting that put the health of the relationship at risk. These findings are based on the research of Dr. John Gottman, who is an expert in relationship health from the University of Washington. He summarizes these communication patterns as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” and suggests the following antidotes.
First Horseman: Criticism
Criticism is a verbal or emotional attack on another person. It usually is directed at the person as a whole or the personality of the partner, such as “You are stupid!” It is different from a complaint in that a complaint is usually about something specific, whereas criticism is more global and typically blaming of the partner (e.g., “What’s wrong with you? Are you so dumb that you can’t even remember to close the door after you leave?”).
What do you say when you criticize your partner?
Antidote: Be Specific and Say What you Need
One of the best recipes for turning criticism into effective communication is constructive feedback. You can use the following formula: “When you do X, I feel X, therefore I would request you do X.” For example, “When you don’t lock the door after you leave, I feel worried that someone will just walk into the house. Therefore, I would request that you try your best to remember to lock the door.”
What could you say to turn criticism into constructive feedback?
Second Horseman: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself from a perceived attack. It is a way to refuse responsibility by redirecting the attack back to the attacker. Sometimes we think that we are under attack, even if the other person didn’t mean to attack us. Therefore, defensiveness can often have something to do with how we interpret someone’s statement or action.
What makes you defensive?
Antidote: Accepting Influence
Pay attention to what you can agree with about what your partner is saying and say what you agree with. Accepting some responsibility, even if it is small, can quickly change a heated conversation. That doesn’t mean you should take responsibility for something you are not responsible for, but showing some willingness to look at yourself decreases the need for defensiveness and shows you care.
What can you do or say to accept influence?
Third Horseman: Contempt
Contemptuous behaviour aims to put someone down verbally or non-verbally. Contempt can be expressed through eye-rolling, name calling, threatening, insulting, or behaving in a belligerent way. The essential message is “You are beneath me and I am superior.” Contempt can easily become abusive and was found to be one of the most destructive patterns in relationships.
How do you express contempt?
Antidote: Create a Culture of Positivity
Positivity is the strongest protective factor against contempt. Catch your partner doing something right and then tell them that. This takes time, just like growing a positive balance on a bank account.
Name five things you appreciate about your partner (then share that).
Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling
A person who is stonewalling ignores the partner completely, for example by looking away, stopping eye contact, walking out of the room, crossing arms etc. There is a withdrawal from the interaction, pretending the person doesn’t exist. “The silent treatment” is an example of stonewalling.
How do you express stonewalling?
Antidote: Learn to Self-Soothe
Usually, one of the functions of stonewalling is to calm oneself down in a conflict situation. But it usually doesn’t work, because we may ruminate on what’s happening and the person on the other end of the stonewalling partner may feel more frustrated and fight even harder or louder to be heard. Therefore, an effective strategy to replace stonewalling is to learn to self-soothe, for example by focusing on breathing (for example, focusing on the movement of the breath in the body).
How could you better self-soothe during arguments?